That’s Hollywood For You

I LIKE AUDREY HEPBURN, but can’t join the cult who think she’s the greatest thing since the advent of sound. If this be treason, make the most of it . . . Ever spy on someone who didn’t know he was being watched? If so, you’ve seen Marlon Brando . . . Bob Wagner gets to be a better actor in each succeeding picture . . . I’d like to have the money spent by starlets as they sit at the fountain in Schwab’s waiting to be discovered like Lana Turner . . . Cyd Charisse wrinkles her nose when she laughs. Or haven’t you looked that high?

Gene Nelson and Jane Powell seem to be doing an act even when dancing casually at a party . . . I have yet to see an actress carrying a copy of the Kinsey book . . . If you’re interested in the ways of the Johnston Office, let me tell you that they require that bumps be bumped rearward instead of forward; and that’s what’s supposed to have kept the bumps from being indecent in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” . . . Only English actors look comfortable to me in those right-seat drive autos.

I was with The Monroe when she was shopping in a Bev Hills department store. Marilyn asked to cash a check and the salesman asked her if she had any identification. This to a gal who carries it with her all the time . . . Marie Wilson, after doing a PA in Texas: “You just can’t tell down there whether a man’s a millionaire or if he’s really rich.” . . . Rosemary Clooney sleeps in short blue nighties, and bikes in long shorts . . . Wonder if they’ll ever team José Ferrer and Rosie in a pic.

I defy you to name a better comedian than Alec Guinness . . . I picture Debbie Reynolds going to a drive-in movie with her date . . . Tony Curtis is always talking about Janet Leigh and vice-versa. Recently Tony gave Janet a TV set for the bedroom, and on the card he wrote: “I guess there’ll be no sleeping with you now.” . . . I haven’t seen a Tarzan picture since Johnny Weismuller days; bet Lana Turner and Arlene Dahl can’t say the same. Shelley Winters, who discovered Vittorio Gassman, wonders why America hasn’t discovered him. Answer: he hasn’t had the right picture . . . I think it’s about time for Joan Crawford to have a real cool romance. Jeff Chandler isn’t it . . . Ava Gardner has made more progress as an actress than any sex bundle I know . . . I still get a thrill from the view of Hollywood at night from a hilltop house.

Ever wonder why you never see the heroine in a movie wearing stockings with the seams crooked? Because the script girl sees to it that they’re straight before the cameras start turning . . . Donald O’Connor has to warm up his ankles before he dances . . . From where I sit, the Academy Award winning picture is “From Here to Eternity”—a movie that isn’t in 3-D, CinemaScope, Cinerama or even Technicolor. And that certainly proves plenty, doesn’t it?

Maybe George Sanders is thinking of the Gabor somebody liked so much they first-named her twice, when he says: “If women dress to please themselves, it only goes to show that many of them are satisfied with very little.” Terry Moore is always friendly, greets you with a hug, so I like to meet her . . . When asked if her eyelashes were real, Jane Russell answered: “Everything I have is mine.” . . . I’m waiting for Mickey Spillane to meet a sexy brunette, and next time he’s in town I’m going to slip him Elaine Stewart.

My favorite character, Mike Curtiz, finally told off an actor he had directed in several pictures: “I didn’t like you even when I liked you!” . . . I can’t understand why Stewart Granger doesn’t act more affectionate to Jean Simmons. I know I would if I were in his position . . . Somehow I got the impression that Gregory Peck was trying to be Cary Grant in “Roman Holiday” . . . Esther Williams has a private kennel built in a closet off her bedroom for her pet cocker spaniel, Angie, if you please . . . Rita Hayworth doesn’t care who knows that she likes to eat crackers in bed.

Here’s the best analysis of the difference between a pro and an amateur, which I read in James Agate’s “The Later Ego”—“A professional is a man who can do his job when he doesn’t feel like it; an amateur is a man who can’t do his job when he does feel like it.” . . . “Dragnet” is getting a little draggy to me. Jack Webb and Ben Alexander try to underplay each other so much that sometimes I’m afraid they’ll get arrested for loitering . . . There may be rats and snakes and wolves in Hollywood, but it’s a fact that there are no vipers. My authority is curator Michael West of the Griffith Park Zoo, who said as much when a viper was needed for a movie. So no matter what anyone may say, you know this: no vipers! And that’s Hollywood!

 

It is a quote. PHOTOPLAY MAGAZINE DECEMBER 1953