That’s Hollywood For You
I LIKE AUDREY HEPBURN, but can’t join the cult who think she’s the greatest thing since the advent of sound. If this be treason, make the most of it . . . Ever spy on someone who didn’t know he was being watched? If so, you’ve seen Marlon Brando . . . Bob Wagner gets to be a better actor in each succeeding picture . . . I’d like to have the money spent by starlets as they sit at the fountain in Schwab’s waiting to be discovered like Lana Turner . . . Cyd Charisse wrinkles her nose when she laughs. Or haven’t you looked that high?
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Gene Nelson and Jane Powell seem to be doing an act even when dancing casually at a party . . . I have yet to see an actress carrying a copy of the Kinsey book . . . If you’re interested in the ways of the Johnston Office, let me tell you that they require that bumps be bumped rearward instead of forward; and that’s what’s supposed to have kept the bumps from being indecent in “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes” . . . Only English actors look comfortable to me in those right-seat drive autos.
I was with The Monroe when she was shopping in a Bev Hills department store. Marilyn asked to cash a check and the salesman asked her if she had any identification. This to a gal who carries it with her all the time . . . Marie Wilson, after doing a PA in Texas: “You just can’t tell down there whether a man’s a millionaire or if he’s really rich.” . . . Rosemary Clooney sleeps in short blue nighties, and bikes in long shorts . . . Wonder if they’ll ever team José Ferrer and Rosie in a pic.
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I defy you to name a better comedian than Alec Guinness . . . I picture Debbie Reynolds going to a drive-in movie with her date . . . Tony Curtis is always talking about Janet Leigh and vice-versa. Recently Tony gave Janet a TV set for the bedroom, and on the card he wrote: “I guess there’ll be no sleeping with you now.” . . . I haven’t seen a Tarzan picture since Johnny Weismuller days; bet Lana Turner and Arlene Dahl can’t say the same. Shelley Winters, who discovered Vittorio Gassman, wonders why America hasn’t discovered him. Answer: he hasn’t had the right picture . . . I think it’s about time for Joan Crawford to have a real cool romance. Jeff Chandler isn’t it . . . Ava Gardner has made more progress as an actress than any sex bundle I know . . . I still get a thrill from the view of Hollywood at night from a hilltop house.
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Ever wonder why you never see the heroine in a movie wearing stockings with the seams crooked? Because the script girl sees to it that they’re straight before the cameras start turning . . . Donald O’Connor has to warm up his ankles before he dances . . . From where I sit, the Academy Award winning picture is “From Here to Eternity”—a movie that isn’t in 3-D, CinemaScope, Cinerama or even Technicolor. And that certainly proves plenty, doesn’t it?
Maybe George Sanders is thinking of the Gabor somebody liked so much they first-named her twice, when he says: “If women dress to please themselves, it only goes to show that many of them are satisfied with very little.” Terry Moore is always friendly, greets you with a hug, so I like to meet her . . . When asked if her eyelashes were real, Jane Russell answered: “Everything I have is mine.” . . . I’m waiting for Mickey Spillane to meet a sexy brunette, and next time he’s in town I’m going to slip him Elaine Stewart.
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My favorite character, Mike Curtiz, finally told off an actor he had directed in several pictures: “I didn’t like you even when I liked you!” . . . I can’t understand why Stewart Granger doesn’t act more affectionate to Jean Simmons. I know I would if I were in his position . . . Somehow I got the impression that Gregory Peck was trying to be Cary Grant in “Roman Holiday” . . . Esther Williams has a private kennel built in a closet off her bedroom for her pet cocker spaniel, Angie, if you please . . . Rita Hayworth doesn’t care who knows that she likes to eat crackers in bed.
Here’s the best analysis of the difference between a pro and an amateur, which I read in James Agate’s “The Later Ego”—“A professional is a man who can do his job when he doesn’t feel like it; an amateur is a man who can’t do his job when he does feel like it.” . . . “Dragnet” is getting a little draggy to me. Jack Webb and Ben Alexander try to underplay each other so much that sometimes I’m afraid they’ll get arrested for loitering . . . There may be rats and snakes and wolves in Hollywood, but it’s a fact that there are no vipers. My authority is curator Michael West of the Griffith Park Zoo, who said as much when a viper was needed for a movie. So no matter what anyone may say, you know this: no vipers! And that’s Hollywood!
It is a quote. PHOTOPLAY MAGAZINE DECEMBER 1953