Jerry Lewis’ Advice To The Lovelorn
Q. How do you get a girl to accept a date? E.B., Kansas City, Kan.
A. Never give a girl just one date. Give her the whole box. But if dates make her break out, try giving her figs.
Q. I’ve never been able to find ‘the right girl.’ How do you go about it? D.A.J., Fillmore, Calif.
A. The right girl doesn’t have to be pretty, intelligent, or charming. She doesn’t even have to have money. But her parents . . . they have to have money and the girl has to be the only living relative.
Q. What’s the best way to surprise a girl? L.S., Flint, Mich.
A. Ask her to come up to your place to see your collection of salami ends. Then when she arrives, show her the collection. That’ll surprise her.
Q. How do you propose to a girl? K.K.K., Knoxville, Tenn.
A. Tell her marriage is a wonderful thing. No family should be without it.
Q. I have a problem: of all the fellows I have ever dated, all but one of them got fresh when they brought me home. And if I said, “Don’t,” they called me snobbish, aloof, or old-fashioned. What is a girl to do—give in every time? K.S., Wichita Falls, Texas.
A. No, every other time—that confuses them.
Q. I’m undecided between going to college after I finish high school next June, and getting married. My boy friend says he doesn’t want to wait our years till I get my degree, and I don’t want to marry him and go to school, because I don’t think I could make a success of both. I love him, but I want an education too. What’s more important? L.S.M., Omaha, Neb.
A. Your teeth. Take good care of them.
Q. My boyfriend drinks like a fish. How can I make him stop? L.X., Denver, Colo.
A. Hide his gills.
Q. Do you believe in going steady? V.N., Lawrence, Ohio.
A. Yes, but my wife objects.
Q. I am twenty years old. I used to go steady with a man twenty years my senior. A few months ago he married a woman nearer his own age. Now he says he’s still in love with me, and wants to see me again. Should I? T.C., Independence, Mo.
A. Should you what?
Q. When should a girl start wearing lipstick and high heels? B.L., Groton, Conn.
A. In August.
Q. Is it a crime to wear falsies? S.M., Chicago, Ill.
A. Yes, unless you’re a girl.
Q. My daughter has just turned twelve, and now she’s asking me questions about sex. Frankly, I don’t know how to answer them. In fact, I don’t know some of the answers myself. What can I do? H.F., Rochester, N.Y.
A. I’m afraid I can’t help you . . . you see, I lived a rather sheltered life . . . I was sixteen before my mother let me look at the clothesline of the Y.W.C.A.
Q. My boyfriend likes my hair the way I wear it now, long. I would prefer one of those crazy short hair cuts. Should I sneak out and get one? I.L., Washington, D.C.
A. Sure. Your boyfriend will find it real romantic running his fingers through your crew cut.
Q. I’m the only girl in my class with braces on my teeth and I have to take a lot of ribbing. What can I do about it? F.C., Putney, Vt.
A. Don’t mind the ribbing, but be careful not to kiss a boy with braces . . . it’ll take the auto club to separate you.
Q. How can I make my girlfriend jealous? S.M., Houston, Texas.
A. Wear the same dresses she does.
Q. How far should a girl go to make herself attractive? N.A., Hubert, N.C.
A. To the nearest cosmetic counter.
Q. I like Adam J., but I don’t have the faintest idea if he likes me. How can I tell? S.R., Jamestown, N.Y.
A. Ask him to take you to a drive-in movie . . . you’ll find out.
Advice to the married
Q. Should a girl know how to cook before she gets married? L.St.C, Madison, Wis.
A. My wife couldn’t cook before she was married. Now she makes food that melts in your mouth . . . if you’re crazy enough to put it there.
Q. What’s the best way to get along with in-laws? I seem to have nothing but trouble with mine. W.W., Los Angeles, Cal.
A. Invite them to dinner twice a week—at somebody else’s house.
Q. My second husband, to whom I’ve been married nine years, is about to leave me for another girl. I know who she is. What should I do? P.N., Roanoke, Va.
A. Your husband has to be taught a lesson . . . hide his bowling shoes.
Q. Do you have any rules for a happy marriage? F.W., Philadelphia, Pa.
A. Yes, never see each other.
Q. My husband and I have been married seven years, and we’ve been fighting for six. Should we get a divorce? P.P., Perth, N.D.
A. No, maybe after a while the fights will get to be fun.
Q. How would you impress your girl’s mother? F.V., Cedar Rapids, Iowa.
A. Tell her mother that she looks young enough to be your girl’s sister. Unless, of course, she looks like your girl’s brother.
Q. Is there a way to get rid of the ‘little brother’? M.M., Boston, Mass.
A. Some people find this problem a little touchy. Like being touched for a dime. Personally, to get rid of the little brother, I prefer tact. If that doesn’t work, try poison.
Q. What’s the best way to criticize a girl? R.T., Kingstill, S.C.
A. Never tell her that her seams are crooked because she may not be wearing stockings.
Q. Can you suggest a way to pay a girl compliments? And should you? M.V.D., New York City.
A. This is a must. Compliments should be paid. If you owe compliments something, pay him.
Q. Is it better to be the manly type, or should you be smooth? K.L., Bronx, N.Y.
A. Be smooth. To be real smooth we suggest you use sandpaper. Just write in and we’ll send you a year’s supply of sand. You’ll have to supply your own paper.
Q. My girl friend and I go shopping together every Saturday. Whenever she sees one of her male friends, she promptly follows him, and drags me along. She seldom goes right up to him—just sort of stays twenty feet behind—till he notices her and feels obliged to buy her a coke or malt or something. I always get terribly embarrassed about it, Is that wrong? N.W., Bangor, Maine.
A. Yes, if he doesn’t buy you anything.
Q. Can you tell what a girl will be like in twenty years by looking at her mother? I’ve got a beautiful girl—but her mother—brrr! E.S., Detroit, Mich.
A. It could be worse. In twenty years she could look like her father, moustache and all.
Jerry’ll help out
Q. I have a big crush on a movie star. Are they really as nice as they’re supposed to be? J.S., Owensboro, Ky.
A. I am.
Q. I have a girlfriend who is very beautiful, very intelligent, very good at everything— in fact, whatever I do, she can do better. That annoys me. Should I stop seeing her? F.L., San Diego, Cal.
A. Yes, and give me her phone number.
Q. I don’t have a very good figure. To be honest, I’m fat. Can you recommend a reducing diet? R.V., Ripley, Miss.
A. Yes, potatoes. Cut them out three times a day.
Q. My daughter is barely seventeen, and not very popular with boys. I’m afraid she’ll never get one to marry her. Can I do anything to help her? CO., Kansas City, Kan.
A. Yes, on her seventeenth birthday, buy her an eighteen-year-old boy.
Q. Is fifteen too young to be kissed by a boy? S.R., Lexington, Ky.
A. Not if you’re married.
Q. I have a girl friend who always complains about what I’m doing. I just can’t please her. What do you think I ought to do? T.E., Jacksonville. Fla.
A. My advice is cry yourself to sleep.
Q. I’ve been dating a good looking, wonderful boy—who has the most atrocious manners. He eats like a caveman. You should see him mutilate a steak! Should I tell him, or just keep quiet about St? F.M., Albany, N.Y.
A. I’d tell him and not worry about his answering back. It’s very difficult to talk through a fork.
Q. Do you believe good manners are really so important? V.T., South Bend, Ind.
A. Good manners are very important . . . like when you take your girl to a poolroom, let her shoot first.
Q. Can a fellow be too honest? I mean, jf he doesn’t like what his girl wears, or what she does, or whatever the case may fee? T.R., Boise, Idaho.
A. Not too honest. Sometimes a little white lie doesn’t hurt. On occasions I lie In technicolor.
Q. My boyfriend likes rock ‘n’ roll and prefer classical music. He loves to go skating, I prefer to dance. We seem to be opposites all the way down the line. Is ithere any hope for us? F.L., Providence, R.I.
A. Yes, but not with each other.
Vanity
Q. My boy friend is terribly conceited. Is there any way to cure him? J.S., Albuquerque, N.M.
A. Tell him he’ll get chapped lips from kissing mirrors.
Q. I know you don’t have this problem, but—oh brother! I’m only five feet five and all the girls I know are taller, at least in high-heeled shoes. Should I wear elevated shoes? C.F., Watertown, New York.
A. Just change shoes with your girl.
Q. Three years ago I eloped with my husband. My parents have never forgiven me, or my husband. How can I get back into their good graces? G.W., Cleveland, Ohio.
A. Just return the ladder.
Q. My future father-in-law wants to know if we prefer a formal wedding or a down payment on a house. He can’t afford to give us both. What would you take? P.M., Oklahoma City, Okla.
A. A richer father-in-law.
Q. I have ten dollars and three girl friends. Should I give each a small gift for Christmas, or one a big one, and forget about the others? Y.O., Elmira, N.Y.
A. I got my own troubles.
Q. Do you believe in nicknames? For grils, I mean. T.J., Charlotte, N.C.
A. Try sweetums or lamby pie . . . after you’re married try hey you.
Q. My wife is always late—she seldom has breakfast ready in the morning, is never ready in time when we go out at right. Isn’t there any way I can make her change? E.M., Lawrence, S.D.
A. Sure. But there are three things you not to do . . . don’t have your meals at home . . . don’t go out with her . . . and have a good lawyer!
Q. I am eight years old and I walk to school with Mary Jane. She wants me to carry her books. I say to her, “Phooey, carry your own books.” Now she’s mad at me and won’t let me walk her to school. Who’s right? D.M., Ft. Worth, Texas.
A. Forget her. Ask her to return your skate key and dehydrated lizard.
Q. I was brought up by very strict parents, who believe dancing is a sin. Now that I’m in college, I find that all the coeds dance. I see nothing wrong with it, do you? W.B., Richmond, Va.
A. Lots of parents think boys and girls should be two feet apart when they dance. It’s rather difficult to dance cheek to cheek and be two feet apart . . . unless you have the mumps.
Q. How do you overcome shyness? M.O.W., Honolulu, Hawaii.
A. Join a club that’s fun . . . like birdwatchers or stamp collectors.
No concentration
Q. I’m twenty-five, and still fall in and out of love with a new fellow practically every week. By now I should be able to concentrate on just one. What’s wrong with me? H.H., Eugene, Ore.
A. Nothing. Why don’t you open a used men’s lot?
Q. Do you believe in love at first sight? T.F., Woodward, Ohio.
A. Yes, if she’s Jayne Mansfield.
Q. Is a girl a prude if she won’t permit petting? If so, what do fellows think of prudes? T.C., New York City.
A. Most fellows like prudes if they don’t have pits.
Q. When I go to parties, I’m always afraid I’ll say the wrong thing. Consequently, I say very little of anything. But I would like to participate in the conversation. But how? D.B., North Platte, Neb.
A. Say anything. You might say, “I think the cat is caught in the record changer.”
Q. Do you believe in telling the truth to a girl? F.R., Scranton, Pa.
A. Yes, when you can’t think of a convincing lie.
Q. My friend has a terrible habit: he always wangles himself out of taking me out for dinner. But every time he comes to my house, he practically cleans out the refrigerator! I like him just fine—but I can’t afford this much longer. What can a girl do? F.F., Las Vegas, Nevada.
A. Clean it out before he gets there.
Q. Every time I take my girl out, she heads straight for a furniture store or makes me look at houses. I don’t want to get married! Is there a way out? G.W., Cincinnati, Ohio.
A. Yes, through the front door.
Q. I’m engaged to an army sergeant who is stationed in Germany. He’s been away so long that I became lonesome, and dated other fellows from time to time. My fiance found out about it, and now he’s mad at me. Do you honestly think he never dates one of those German frauleins? C.A., New Orleans, La.
A. I don’t know, but I’ll say yes just to worry you.
Q. How can I meet the man of my dreams? F.R., Seattle, Wash.
A. Dream about a friend you have in common and let her introduce you in your next dream.
Q. How can I meet the girl of my dreams? L.T., Hancock, Mich.
A. The same as above, but get to bed earlier.
Q. I’m only fourteen and engaged to be married to a fellow who is twenty-one. My dad says my fiance is old enough, but I’m too young to get married. Do you agree? E.R., San Francisco, Calif.
A. Why don’t you break a Chinese fortune cookie and see what that says—unless your fiance isn’t Chinese.
THE END
See Jerry in Paramount’s CINDERFELLA and VISIT TO A SMALL PLANET.
It is a quote. MODERN SCREEN MAGAZINE DECEMBER 1959
